this week i

borrowed ruffles to tear through the meals on wheels

enjoyed tom's bolognese.  a pleuripotent time.  first date within a week

urge caution otherwise highest level of education will be asked on birth as well as death certificates.  this country worth fighting for

wonder if famous people pace apartments high on marijuana feeling like the masters of the universe.  have young people ever not been existential?

ask what do we do when we solve aging?  say we all have the energy and vital health of twenty five year olds, around the clock and forever, we never hunger, we never tire.  what do we do then?  just enjoy each other's company?  and how do governments respond to a cut and dry cure for aging?  would we open source the instructions immediately, then build out capacity to implement the medical means to inoculate and sterilize everyone?

9/17

this week i

laid my father down into eternity as gently as i knew how.  same home as my mom.  book collection best thing he left me.  now all i have is all of you

 

grilled saturday at eleven.  no friends, no phone calls, no photos.  we shared a meal in larry's garden.  a dignified old age

grilled sunday at eleven, he spoke briefly with liz, with rosemarie, did not touch his food

cancelled sunday evening plans.  upstairs for a shower, downstairs for a cigarette but changed his mind in the foyer and we struggled back up to bed

described symptoms to dr. sherman at noon.  emergency room for eight hours of tests, i pressed silence every 120 seconds, could we solve that one?

thanked the icu nurse at nine, she said she was happy to have met me.  drive back from sibley hospital, too quickly over speed bumps.  my father made like might vomit, i pulled into the church of the little flower parking lot, held a shopping bag in his lap until the dry heaves subsided 

walked with him ten feet from the car to the table.  he sat in the chair exhausted, i scratched four legs across the kitchen and dining room floor, transferred into his comfortable green chair, then the fold out bed.  already mentally planning for this weakness to be the new normal

woke monday-tuesday midnight to the toilet flush, flew downstairs to check he had made it safely back to the living room bed.  tucked him in, adjusted the lights so he had enough to see but not enough to prevent sleep.  failed to fall asleep next to him, coaxed him by one a.m. to let me half carry him up the stairs.  he caught his breath, then rested as the sun rose.  i will not ask the funeral home whether they removed that patch

found him before noon, unresponsive on his bed.  shouted, dialed, followed directions.  tom and jeff waited for the medical examiner with me

told him as much in life, seems to have held.  i will be distraught by your suffering, not by your death.  here on in, my family of my own creation


buried both parents before knowing either for half of their lives.  (parent's age at your birth) > (your age at parent's death)

dad?  can i tell you something?
sure.
can i turn on the light?
okay.
you are the best father that i know of.  it's nonsensical to say that you're the best dad i've ever had, because of course you're the only dad i've ever had.
right.
but this is my thirty seventh year on earth, and i've seen other fathers and sons interact, i've watched stories of fatherhood exemplars.  and never once have i thought that i would trade you for someone else's father.
thank you for that.
i love you, okay?
okay.
are you going back to sleep?
yes i am.

9/10

this week i

published on prescription mail order impacts, tweeted by kamala, calculated in the backyard

cannot distinguish louis dejoy from gordon sondland.  will his testimony share the pig in shit smile?

moved lolade nearby krughoff.  he did not know guy fawkes nor banksy despite parking lot pickleball civil disobedience


watched the first two seasons of atlanta, closed out with nina simone.  unclear if comedy or tragedy.  acoustic cover cringeworthy truth

i'd like to report a debit card stolen...ohhh, champagne's the worst

i just thought you were allergic to girlfriends / she ain't my girlfriend / well make sure you ask her if she wants some of this fire pasta


gave it a try.  sure seems right

9/3